Watching The Fish Swim

When I was in high school my mother had a peculiar pastime. She would sit in a chair in front of one of the three big fish tanks we had in the house and watch the fish swim. Something about the way they would glide through the water, their leisurely swim, mesmerized my mother. She would sit in a rocking chair with a cup of coffee and stare at those fish for what seemed like hours.

I remember seeing her in those moments and thinking to myself, please don't let me end up an old lady who spends her days watching the fish swim! (Remember, this is my idiotic high school self talking.)
At the time I could think of nothing more wasteful than to sit and watch soft bodied water creatures move within a glass tank. And now that I'm older, I feel terrible about myself if I "waste" even a small part of my day. And by "wasting" I mean things like sitting down to eat my lunch, or meeting friends for coffee, or reading a book.
That feeling has intensified as my kids have gotten older and many of my friends have gone back to work.
In my mind, if I'm a stay at home mom, and my kids are in school for the majority of the day, I should be getting three times as much done as everyone else.
If I'm not cleaning, or running errands, or shopping, or cooking, or helping the kids with this or that I should be doing SOMETHING. What is that something? Well, as it happens, that something is writing.
I feel like if I have a spare minute I should be writing. And when I don't use those spare minutes for writing I feel guilty. And although there may be no greater waste of time than making yourself feel bad about yourself, that's what I continue to do.
I thought my mother was crazy for spending her free time watching the world within a glass tank, but the truth is she was lucky. She found a way to relax. She found a way to bring her mind to a peaceful place. What a gift that would be.
In this world of go, go, go, sometimes we need to be able to stop and take a break. Whether it's meditating, gardening, yoga, or simply watching the fish swim, go do something relaxing today! You've earned it! Trust me. You have!
And I have too. So, today, instead of agonizing about word count, I'm going shopping. I'm heading to Ulta and I'm going to waste money on one more beauty product I don't really know how to use. Why? Just because it's fun, and no other reason than that.

What Does 2014 Feel Like?

I'm done making resolutions. I have been blogging and yapping about writing since July and it hasn't done me much good. I still don't have a completed novel, and what's worse, I don't even have a story that I want to write.
With that sad fact I'm not making big plans or goals for 2014. My New Year's Resolutions will not be to lose weight, exercise more, eat better, or write more. Instead I'm going to focus on feelings.
What do I want 2014 to FEEL like?
Yes, it would be wonderful if next year brought me the small victory of a finished novel (even a terrible one) but finishing a novel will not be the main goal.
What is the main goal?
In 2014 I want to feel the sun on my face and the wind in my hair. I want to feel like I could run up a hill without getting winded and run down without limping. 
I want the feeling of freedom and skill that I had when I rode a bike with no hands.
I want the proud exhaustion that comes from a hard days work. I want to feel my hands around a warm mug on a cold morning.  I want to feel my heart pounding as I hike up a mountain, and feel my breath catch in my chest as I take in a beautiful view.
Those are the feelings I'll be chasing in 2014.

How does a person chase a feeling? That is the key, isn't it. I think it is to live in the moment. When you're in the middle of your day, stop and ask yourself how you feel. What does it feel like to be you at that moment? If it doesn't feel fantastic, if you're stressed or disappointed in yourself, if you're making yourself crazy with your to do list, then STOP.  Run at full speed (if it feels right) and chase a new feeling, a new way of being you.
For me, maybe that means writing 2,000 words a day or maybe that means writing 2,000 words a week, but 2014 feels like success any way you slice it.
How about you? What does 2014 feel like for you? Leave a comment, or write it on a piece of notebook paper, but this year make a commitment to feeling fantastic.